While walking through the door after a long day at work your partner stops what they’re doing just to meet you. However, it’s not just any greeting. In the midst of setting things down your partner walks to you with a sly smile.Standing toe-to-toe looking into each other’s eyes you both say, “Hi,” in soft voices with deep undertones. Wrapping arms around each other, you embrace.

After a long hug and brief pause your partner pulls their chest away, slightly enough to keep your stomachs and hips touching while they look into your eyes again. A small smile appears as they press their hips, stomach, chest deeper into yours, and place their lips ever so slightly onto yours. Feeling the softness of their lips, the warmth of their breath and the electricity coursing through their body, your heart quickens. Their lips finally press firmly to yours for a deep and passionate kiss.

Their hands begin to explore your body; the left hand is placed on the side of your cheek with their thumb ever so slightly touching your jawline. The other hand slides to the small of your back, then cups your buttocks as they softly moan into your mouth during the kiss. Next, their hands move to your shoulder blades with the warmth of their palms lingering on the muscles in your back. Again, they let their hands drift to your arms with fingers tracing the ‘v’ of your triceps, only to slide over to your bicep, and down your forearms until your fingers intertwine.

That is a six second kiss to remember, to practice, and to commit to.

The six second kiss

Have you ever stopped to time how long six seconds really is? My partner and I did. After hearing the conversation from the Gottmans we decided to see what a six second kiss felt like. So, we set our countdown timer, touched lips with a childlike pucker and started the timer. In that moment six seconds felt like a very long time. Longer than one would expect. If you read the opening to this blog post and thought, there is no way that you can do all of that in six seconds, I will disagree with you. What you read is actually how my fiancé and I kiss each other  hello on a consistent basis. And yes, six seconds usually turns into 30 seconds or a couple of minutes.

At this point you might be saying, “bull$**t!” We wouldn’t blame you if you did. However, that is a fact. We generally kiss with that much passion and gusto when we see each other after work. Sure, we succumb to stressful work days, tiredness, being actively busy, and bad moods, which put a damper on an intimate hello. However, no matter what happens, by the end of the evening we always say, “Hi” to each other in that deeply connecting way. In fact, there have been days that we don’t get to say hello to each other until our heads it the pillow. Admittedly, that is usually my fault, and generally happens during a flow state where work or business is move forward in a way that produces big results (hello ADHD).

How do we do it?

The is no secret recipe or trick that makes this habit work. It is something we committed to at the beginning of our relationship, while we were still under the influence of the chemical cocktail that creates the “honeymoon phase.” While having those late night talks and vulnerable conversations we discussed what we wanted our relationship to look like moving forward, and as we grew as a couple. We were not disillusioned to the fact that the small window of influence wouldn’t last forever, so we wanted to set habits that kept it going. Long kisses hello in the morning, and after work, were something we chose to commit to. Not all the things we talked about have been made a habit, though. We still miss our morning dance parties, because schedules changed and no longer give space for it (except for some weekends). But the kisses are important.

How to begin if you don’t

So, how do you begin six second kissing if it’s not something you do unless you are getting intimate, and that’s if you still kiss during intimacy? The first thing I will say is that it may feel weird or awkward. Especially, if you are parents and physical affection has fallen to the wayside, you only give pecks on the cheeks or lips, and hugging is something that is done in passing more than a true sign of affection and intimacy, it will take time, work, and consistency.

Time is relative and taking time might look like a week, a month, three months or more. The point is that not to place pressure on yourselves, or relationship, to get back to deeper kissing. With that said, it will take work. Notice I did not say hard work. I only said work. The work it will take is getting over any awkward feelings, feelings of pressure, or uncertainty. The work will come by staying out of your own head and asking open-ended and honest questions about how things are going, or if kissing styles are syncing together. It will take consistency, because sometimes we can “lose” skills or comfort when we haven’t practiced in a while. So the more you practice the more it will begin to feel and natural, or better stated, authentic to your relationship.

The Caveats

With all of that being said, there are some caveats to getting back to six second kissing and more. Now, this doesn’t mean that it will be impossible to get back there, it just means there may need to be pre-work before it does. If you have had serious relationship stressors like infidelity, financial lying, sexual pressure, emotional distance, individual self-esteem issues, or any other complex situations, it might be best to consult a professional like a counselor or therapist to work through those feelings to move to a safer space.

The goal here is for you to help you, help your relationship, by working with the human biology of being reconnected as a couple. What does human biology have to do with anything? Well that is for another blog post. Until then steal those six second kisses whenever you can, and if they feel like a lifetime, one day they will feel like they aren’t long enough.

Tonya Jean