I have read numerous articles that share how date nights can’t fix damaged relationships. They’re right, date nights cannot fix a damaged relationship. Trust me, I know because my ex-husband and I tried. It can be one piece of the puzzle, but it can’t be the only thing. It takes significant work to repair a damaged relationship. If you believe that your relationship is in a place of brokenness, I suggest that you find a reputable counselor or therapist to help you through in conjunction with any date nights planned.

With the learning lessons of my first marriage and the amazing status of my second marriage (coming in 2025) I want to share with you what I learned about date nights, no matter if your relationship is in a good place or not.

1. Sex is not the goal of a date night. It’s a bonus. We are going to start there, because I know that for many men this is the “goal” of date night. To be able to physically connect with their partners. While for many women, a date night can be the cause of internal pressure and anxiety over the end-of-the-evening expectation of sex, especially if a couple has been having difficulties. I heard Tom Bilyeu, the founder of Impact Theory, share his perspective here with a quote, “men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex.” When I heard this my mind exploded and everything with my ex-husband made so much more sense and why we were in a perpetual cycle of hurting each other.

Learn from past mistakes and understand the point to a Remarkable Date Night is to emotionally connect as individuals and as a couple. To remember that your significant other, does in fact, have different daily experiences, different perspectives, different opinions, different dreams, goals and hopes. RDN are about rediscovering your curiosity about your partner and relationship and if those things lead to a natural progression towards intimacy then enjoy every single moment.

2. Being a martyr does not make for a great date. This is briefly covered in my free guide, 5 Tips to a Remarkable Date Night which can be found at the bottom of the page here. Having a date should be something that you both will genuinely enjoy. For instance, my fiancé loves classical music and her favorite composer Vivaldi. For a date night I purchased tickets to a candlelit string quartet playing Vivaldi. I greatly enjoyed the experience as classical music is something I mildly enjoy. What I loved the most was watching her face as she was taking in her surrounding while listening to the music. A memory forever etched in my mind.

My ex on the other hand, tried to plan a few specific dates for us that were focused on my particular likes. The first few times I was excited that he had planned something special for me, but after those few times, I began to dread them. I noticed that dates he planned specifically for me were dates that he had a bad attitude about. He would be cranky leading up to the date, he would begrudgingly participate, and always try to rush what we were doing to be done. A bad attitude is not sexy, does not lead to a feeling of connection, see number one. If you are planning a date, make sure that you will enjoy the evening with your partner, because it the mutual experience that will give you memories to share and moments to talk about.

3. Be mindful of if your dates allow for conversation or not. Yes, there are some very distinct date night “rules” that most people already know; don’t talk about the kids, work, household chores, home maintenance, etc. However, be observant to your dates to see if they are allowing you to have more meaningful conversations to foster relationship connection. My ex and I had a yearly concert date. We went to numerous concerts throughout our 20 year relationship and had a great time singing at the top our lungs, dancing with other goers, and people watching.

They were always a good time, but I began to realize that those dates, while fun, weren’t allowing us to connect by communication and conversation. Even with one to one and a half hour drive we really didn’t say much. Instead we listened to the artist to amp us up before the concert. Remarkable Dates should elicit different feelings, conversations, activities, fun, and experiences. If your dates never seem to leave space for emotionally connecting, then it’s time to recalibrate.

4. Dates should be intentional, even if they are simple. This statement may catch some criticism, but I stand by it. Even as a date night expert my fiancé and I still take our date nights to our favorite restaurant and make a simple dinner to just talk. That is okay if you are also planning intentional dates. So what does an intentional date look like? It’s choosing an activity you have both wanted to do but haven’t, it’s waking up early to catch a beautiful sunrise overlooking the lake while drinking your favorite coffee, it’s going mini golfing with a bet in pocket.

An intentional date is a date that evokes a particular feeling or emotion. A sunrise could be completely inspiring and romantic, doing a new activity can be fun and a growing opportunity, mini golf lets your inner child out while having adult stakes (wink, wink). Intentional dates should be a frequent supplement to your date nights.

5. Planning dates is a mutual endeavor. I know that every relationship has its rhythms. One of you may do more cooking, while the other person may be the one who does the laundry, one of you may have the main control over finances, while the other person makes all the appointments, etc. Date planning is something that you should both be doing, whether it be together or taking turns. Date planning should not be left to one partner to consistently do.

Everyone is tired, burnt out, stressed out, and in need of a break. So to add date planning to your partner’s list of things to do isn’t helpful, nor does it make for remarkable dates. Instead use the date plannings services of Love Spark. There are services to fit every budget like date ideas and tips to carry you through a year or more of dates, itineraries that are specially designed for your relationship and stage of life, or a completely planned experience where all you do is show up!

Love Spark is the culmination of all the lessons I have learned from my previous marriage, my current relationship, and the vulnerability share by so many women. Together this allows us to help couples bring back time, fun, and connection.